Queen: I say, Philip, the press appear to be rather concerned about your health. Apparently you have not made any politically incorrect comments for at least a month! And you seem to be restraining your politically incorrect activities to an absurd norm.
Philip: Absolute poppycock! I whacked that blonde housekeeper on the arse last Monday.
Queen: Is it possible that one needs to make a more public demonstration of such activities? I see that you will be opening a new Sainsbury’s in Peterborough on Thursday, perhaps you could wave an indecent hand in the direction of one of those ladies who might be operating the check-out counter, or whatever it is called? After all, one doesn’t want rumours of Altzheimer’s disease or worse appearing in the press.
Philip: The “§$%& press! The only thing I’ve ever known them concerned about is their own circulation! If I kicked the bucket tomorrow, that would sell a few million papers, and if I whacked a cashier on the arse it would sell a few hundred thousand!
Queen: One’s not asking you to kick any buckets, Philip. Whacking or kicking something else is another matter altogether. But, in line with your previous history, it might be appropriate to drop a racist comment or similar, simply to keep the herds at bay.
Philip: Well, I’ll tell you what. If I whack a blonde cashier on the arse, can you get rid of those bloody Paki call centers? Last time I tried to do something on my offshore account, I was transferred to Islamabad!
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